(Parody) Harvard rescinds Kevin McCallister’s admittance letter after Wet Bandit controversy

[Disclaimer: This article is a parody story. While some events in this article are actually taking place, it is written for comedy purposes and shouldn’t be taken too seriously.] 


People can’t change or learn from their mistakes. 

That’s what one left-wing university’s thinks about a student’s actions when he was a kid. 

Today, Harvard — the preppy and elitist Ivy League college — announced they are rescinding Kevin McCallister admittance letter to attend their university.

“After careful deliberation, our university has decided to rescind our admittance acceptance letter to Mr. McCallister effective immediately,” a Harvard spokesperson told CNN. “We feel that Mr. McCallister’s actions show a pattern of immorality and that he can’t possibly change his character.” 

Harvard’s announcement came after Harvard received leaked documents showing that McCallister engaged in home defense attacks against two bumbling burglars when he was a child. 

McCallister, who has spent the last twenty-nine years helping kids left home alone, addressed the controversial decisions he made in his pre-teen years, taking responsibility for his actions.

“I apologize to everyone I hurt during that time I was home alone,” McCallister said in an email he sent to Harvard, hoping that would see he’s a changed man now. “I was a scared, stupid kid when I made verbal and physical harm against Marv and Harry. I hope Harvard sees that I am a different man now and that I have learned from my mistakes.

“Now I know to call the police if my parents leave me behind at home,” he added.

Harvard responded by refusing to allow McCallister to attend their university, despite McCallister’s good grades and service work with kids left behind at home.

Several conservative commentators and child psychologists came forward to defend McCallister.

“Kevin McCallister was abandoned by his entire family over Christmas Season not once, but twice,” Psychologist Vincent Earhardt told CNN’s Chris Cuomo. “Those two experiences had an effect on him and he had to learn self-reliance and overcome fears, not an easy task for a kid traumatized by his relatives.”

“Sure, Kevin McCallister should have gone about fighting the Wet Bandits a different way, and I’m not excusing him for that, but he was just a kid at the time these attacks happened,” Ben Shapiro said. “He was a stupid kid who did stupid things just like everyone else did. You can’t expect him to have the same rationale an adult has.”

At publishing time, Harvard hasn’t responded to requests for comment about whether the university will drop every student in attendance that said or did stupid things when they were teenagers.