Nicholas Servi

[Disclaimer: This article is a parody story. While some events in this article are actually taking place, it is written for comedy purposes and shouldn’t be taken too seriously.]  Warning: Contains spoilers for Avengers: Infinity War . Washington, D.C. — In an unsurprising move, Senate Democrats blocked a bill to protect American citizens who survived the Snap depicted in “Avengers: Infinity War.”  The U.S. Senate voted 53-44 in favor of the Snap Survivors Protection Act on Monday, February 25. It was short of the 60 votes needed for a bill to pass in the Senate.  The bill was co-sponsored by Republican Senators Bob Sasse of Nebraska and “Captain” Steve Rogers of New York.  “We don’t trade lives,” Rogers said on the Senate Floor as he spoke in support of the bill.  The Snap Survivors Protection Act would have prosecuted anyone who killed an American citizen post-Snap, including children who have just been b...

Spring football season has started in professional sports.  The new Alliance of American Football (AAF) began its first season last week, with eight teams spread throughout the country.  It opened with high ratings and few viewers. The reason for this is simple: only one game was stationed on a local TV network. The rest were on premium TV stations that Americans have to pay extra in order to watch their content.  “I don’t understand it,” a senior AAF official said at a press conference when asked about the league’s low viewer ratings. “We worked really hard to make more money off this league by signing exclusive broadcast deals with CBS and the NFL.” The AAF’s trend of broadcasting more games on premium TV stations will continue this weekend for Week 2 of the season, with three of the four games being played on either the NFL Network or CBS Sports Network. The Salt Lake City Stallions and Birmingham Iron game, which airs at 2pm tomorrow, Feb...

President Donald Trump declared a national emergency in order to complete the border wall he promised voters in 2016.  In addition to signing a spending bill in order to avert another government shutdown, President Trump declared a national emergency earlier today from the Rose Garden in order to secure our Southern Border. He plans to secure an additional $8 billion in order to build more sections of the border wall, taken from defense funds and other department funds that can be used in an emergency situation.  The spending bill , passed by both the Senate and the House late Thursday night, February 14, Valentine’s Day, only includes $1.4 billion for border security.  That is far less than the $5.8 billion Trump sought for the border wall. And only a fraction of the original $20 billion he wanted last year. Experts on the Southern Border, including border patrol agents, told Democrats and Republicans that they needed in order to e...