(Parody) Thanos vows to wipe out half of Hollywood after Oscars snub


[Disclaimer: This article is a parody story. While some events in this article are actually taking place, it is written for comedy purposes and shouldn’t be taken too seriously.] 


Well, the 2019 Academy Award nominations are in.

Aside from the self-described “diverse” superhero movie “Black Panther (2018),” films that ordinary Americans actually saw in theaters were entirely absent in the Best Picture, Best Actor/Actress, and Best Adapted/Original Screenplay categories. 

As is typical with liberal Hollywood, popular movies like “A Quiet Place” and superhero movies got snubbed in all the major categories.

One noticeable snub from the Best Actor competition is Thanos, the purple-skinned Mad Titan and the real star of “Avengers: Infinity War (2018).” 

“I should have been the front runner at this year’s Oscars,” Thanos said. “My performance set the bar not just for Marvel villains, but all comic book villains going forward. I deserve recognition for that.” 

Thanos notes his onscreen performance with his estranged, adopted daughter Gamora as a prime example of his Oscar-worthy performance.

“I have a very complicated relationship with Gamora on and off the screen,” Thanos said. “I think I showcased that in ‘Infinity War.’ That scene where I shed a single tear in front of my daughter sealed my destiny to win my very first Oscar.” 

The Mad Titan refused to comment about whether he ordered half the population of Gamora’s home planet killed, including her biological parents. 

Thanos believes that Hollywood bigwigs conspired to make sure he wasn’t even nominated in the Best Actor category. 

“Hollywood has run rampart with elitist actors and executives,” Thanos added. “My time has come for Oscar gold, but they won’t let me have it. It’s time to bring balance back to Tinseltown.” 

Actor Josh Brolin, who worked with Thanos on voice acting and motion-capture for “Infinity War,” doesn’t share the Mad Titan’s views. 

“To me, this is just another example of Hollywood hating good guys with guns or superpowers,” Brolin said, when asked to comment on Thanos’ statements to destroy Hollywood. “Seriously, the movies that made the most money in 2018 were ‘A Quiet Place,’ ‘Infinity War’ and ‘Black Panther.’ People in Hollywood just don’t understand what kinds of movies the American people want to see.” 

Brolin finished his statement by declaring he is running for President in 2020 as an independent, just to upset Democrats and Hollywood elitists. 

“I know I don’t stand a chance of winning the Presidency as a third-party candidate, but that’s not the point,” Brolin said. “The point is to show Hollywood that we, the American people, don’t care about their politics and that we choose to ignore them.” 

The 2019 Oscars air on February 24. 




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