(Parody) J. Jonah Jameson angry liberals won’t condemn Spider-Man


[Disclaimer: This article is a parody story. While some events in this article are actually taking place, it is written for comedy purposes and shouldn’t be taken too seriously.] 


Spider-Man is responsible for every bad thing that happens.

That’s the opinion of one mainstream media icon.

CNN invited J. Jonah Jameson onto their prime time shows. 

Jameson, editor-in-chief and CEO of The Daily Bugle, received controversy for his company’s constant anti-Spider-Man articles and coverage. 

“Spider-Man is a menace!” Jameson said to CNN host Chris Cuomo. “He’s responsible for terrorizing New York and for how divisive America is today.”

Jameson was brought onto the show to discuss why conservatives don’t trust the mainstream media, believing that networks not named Fox News promote “fake news” when it comes to President Trump, but the discussion quickly turned into Jameson condemning the crime-fighting web-head. 

“Spider-Man is responsible for everything bad that happens in this country,” Jameson said, uninterrupted. “Don’t like the fact that Donald Trump won the 2016 Presidential Election? Well, you have Spider-Man to thank for that. He was going around causing destruction.”

Jameson then condemned congressional Democrats for not beginning impeachment proceedings against Spider-Man. “How dare they (Democrats) focus on Trump? Spider-Man is responsible for Trump and racist Trump supporters. Why aren’t SJWs screaming at the sky every time a Trump supporter wears a Spider-Man shirt instead of a MAGA hat?” 

Several guest stars agreed with Jameson, including Green Goblin, Hobgoblin, Thanos, Vulture, Scorpion, Doc Ock, Mysterio, Rhino and Venom. 

“We’ll all be much safer if Spider-Man never existed,” Green Goblin told Cooper and Jameson. “Why can’t AntiFa stop wasting their time burning cars and punching people and just focus on throwing concrete ‘milkshakes’ at Spider-Man, for Pete’s sake?” 

“So what if I wiped out half the universe,” Thanos said on the program. “Spider-Man damaged my armor with his webbing. I deserve an apology for that.”
 
Jameson also attacked “the Squad” for not attacking Spider-Man. “Why aren’t Representatives Ocasio-Cortez and Omar going after the organizations that support this masked menace?” Jameson said. “They should boycott the Avengers and Stark Industries, for crying out loud.”

At publishing time, Jameson was removed from CNN headquarters after punching host Don Lemon in the face after Lemon claimed President Trump is a bigger racist than Spider-Man.

“No one’s worse than Spider-Man, not even Donald Trump!” Jameson said as security guards escorted him from the building. 

The incident was quickly forgotten as CNN went back to their 24/7 Trump-bashing extravaganza.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Best Christmas Pageant Ever (2024) Review

The movie starts by introducing us to the Herdmans, a group of poor kids who are the worst kids in town. Even the girls.   Told through the narration of the main protagonist, Beth Bradley, the Herdmans are bullies and juvenile delinquents who spend their time terrorizing the other kids and the townspeople.  Everyone in town hates them, especially the parishioners and busy-body mothers at the local Christian parish.  That changes as the film progresses and our main characters see the Herdmans in a new light as they become involved in the town’s local Christmas pageant.  Sadly, Grace Bradley is forced to take over the pageant after Mrs. Armstrong breaks her legs.  When the Herdmans join the Christmas pageant under the motivation of receiving free food and desserts by going to church, somewhere nobody expected the Herdmans to show their faces, every expects the worst to happen.  However, once the pageant comes around, the entire town has a newfound...
Read more

Movie Review: The 5th Wave as Anti-Military propaganda

This article was originally published on June 9, 2017. Normally a story that involves humans fighting seemingly invincible aliens warrants a good story. You'd also think the military would be there to protect Americans. But before long, it becomes clear to the protagonists in “The 5th Wave (2016)” that Americans should resist the military, that the soldiers are the real enemy to humanity. "The 5th Wave," based on the Rick Yancey novel of the same name, follows a long line of Hollywood's assaults on the honor and integers of the brave men and women who fight for their country. Unfortunately, most of Hollywood hasn't limited their attacks to five. The film centers around a young girl who sets out to find her brother after their father is killed in a massacre carried out by military forces. Right after the parents do the natural thing and resist being separated from their children forever. This is the director's way of telli...
Read more

Local Kansas City parish hosts annual Marian Conference

In “33 Days to Morning Glory,” Father Michael E. Gaitley talks about how Mother Mary wants people to come closer to her son, Jesus, through her. Now, Mother Mary calls us to enter a deeper relationship with her son through the Marian Conference IV of Greater Kansas City. The conference runs from June 22-23 at St. Thomas More Parish, located at 11822 Holmes Rd., Kansas City, MO.  It is the fourth annual Marian conference organized by the volunteers of the Marian Association.  In previous years, the conference was held at St. John Lalond in Blue Springs, MO; Our Lady of Lourdes in Raytown, MO; and St. Robert Bellarmine Church in Blue Springs, MO.   Registration for the conference is free.  Last year’s conference, hosted by St. Robert Bellermine Catholic Church in Blue Springs, MO, received over 400 people in attendance. Julie and Tom Cummings, Promotions Fund Raising Coordinators, expect over 700 people from Kansas a...
Read more