(Parody) Ubisoft announces “The Division 3” plot

August 12, 2019

[Disclaimer: This article is a parody story. While some events in this article are actually taking place, it is written for comedy purposes and shouldn’t be taken too seriously.] 


After the online-only release of “The Division 2,” Ubisoft has now announced they are going ahead with a third game in the series.

“The Division 3” has been given a January 2020 release date, just in time for the 2020 Presidential Election.

The game’s plot is believed to center around an unnamed customized character who finds themselves fighting against liberals and others who hold different political viewpoints. It will not share continuity with the previous two games in the franchise. 

“We think this is the best time to release our game, especially since it ties into the deep political divide between Americans today,” the head of Ubisoft stated in a press release. 

“The Division 3” news comes after details about Universal Studios’ upcoming film, “The Hunt,” were released. The movie’s plot is about liberal elites paying to kill Trump supporters.

“It’s time liberals got a taste of their own medicine and see how they like players trying to eliminate them,” an Ubisoft spokesman said, admitting that many at Ubisoft identity as leftists. 

“We wanted this game to be set in real-world America,” a producer for the game said. “The game follows an everyday conservative American, who players can customize themselves, who goes across his or her city shooting and killing AntiFa thugs and liberal elites persecuting Americans. We want this game to really connect with everyday Americans in a fictional setting.”

“Instead of playing an ordinary person who works for a secret last-stand government organization, the player gets to play an ordinary person an Ubisoft game developer said at a press conference. “The player gets to customize his or her character from a man or a woman, along with a treasure trove of different skin and body types, as well as eyes, muscle tone, and hair colors and styles.

 “At the start of the game, the players find themselves caught in the crosshairs of urban and suburban warfare on American soil against left-wing mobs seeking to turn America into a Socialist country like the Soviet Union,” he added. 

Ubisoft then explained that the game will be set in several locations throughout the United States so that the game is more relatable to players in different regions across the country.

“It’s important that players experience what a war would look like in their own backyard, so to speak,” the Ubisoft game developer said. “Right now we have Los Angeles, Orlando, San Antonio, Washington, D.C., Chicago and the Kansas City area as locations in the game for campaigns and online multiplayer.” 

Democrat presidential candidates were quick to condemn Ubisoft’s “The Division 3” for allowing players to kill characters with different political views, while staying silent about “The Hunt.”

Requests for comment about “The Hunt” to Universal Studios, along with the campaigns for Kamala Harris, Bernie Sanders, “Beto” O’Rourke, Elizabeth Warren, and the other Democrats, have gone unanswered. 

At publishing time, Fox News reported that “The Hunt” (originally scheduled for theatrical release on Sept. 27) was cancelled following backlash from conservatives and the Republican Party angered by Hollywood’s negative portrayal of Trump supporters and everyday Americans. 

Meanwhile, “The Division 3” hasn’t been given an official release date and is believed to be stuck in development hell.