(Parody) Bernie Sanders promises free Borg implants to Americans


[Disclaimer: This article is a parody story. While some events in this article are actually taking place, it is written for comedy purposes and shouldn’t be taken too seriously.] 


Beto O’Rourke promises to steal guns and AR-15s from law-abiding American citizens.

Andrew Yang promises to give everyone $1000 a week.

Kamala Harris promises to keep hating Conservative Catholics.

Julian Castro promises to keep hating America and dox ordinary Republicans who vote for President Donald Trump.

Pete Buttigieg promises to spew hatred of Chick-Fil-A.

Bernie Sanders promises to steal people’s individual identities and mold them into the Borg Collective.

Sanders, in an effort to surpass Joe Biden and Elizabeth Warren in the Democrat polls, has promised to give away free Borg implants to Americans.

“When I am elected president, every American will receive free Borg implants,” Sanders said. “Your consciousness will be molded into our Collective and they’re be nothing of the person you once knew. No individual thought, no individual life, no uniqueness, no individuality.

“I will eliminate division in American by getting rid of everything that makes each of us unique individuals with our own set of beliefs,” he added. “From now on, you will service us. Resistance is futile.

“Unless it’s THE Resistance against Donald Trump, of course,” Sanders clarified. “That resistance will never fail.”

At publishing time, Sanders encouraged American citizens to freely change their ways and blindly accept the autonomous hive-mind cybernetic Collective, while he himself refused to be the first to conform to the Collective.

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