(Parody) Beto O’Rourke pledges to confiscate violent video games


[Disclaimer: This article is a parody story. While some events in this article are actually taking place, it is written for comedy purposes and shouldn’t be taken too seriously.] 


First, Beto O’Rourke promised to violate the Constitution and steal AR-15s and other weapons from law-abiding American citizens.

Now, O’Rourke is going after our video games.

In an effort to distinguish himself from the other Democrat candidates running against President Donald Trump, O’Rourke pledged to take away violent video games from American citizens by force.

O’Rourke made the announcement at a campaign rally of about thirty people in Aurora, Colorado, promising he will confiscate violent video games from citizens in order to prevent mass shootings.

“Once I’m president, I will sign an executive order to take away violent video games,” O’Rourke said to the crowd, walking around like an angry man.

“Violent video games are responsible for the violence that’s plagued and killed millions of Americans each year,” O’Rourke added. “It has nothing to do with the man or woman playing the video games.”

The list of “violent” video game titles that O’Rourke plans to ban include, but are not limited to:

·      Call of Duty
·      Battlefront
·      Grand Theft Auto
·      Plants vs. Zombies
·      Resident Evil
·      Left 4 Dead
·      The Elder Scrolls
·      Fallout
·      Games based on Disney and Pixar movies
·      Bioshock
·      Halo
·      Doom
·      Super Smash Bros.
·      Red Dead Redemption
·      Star Wars Battlefront (or any Star Wars game)
·      Final Fantasy
·      Kingdom Hearts
·      Games featuring Marvel and DC superheroes
·      Uncharted 
·      LEGO games (i.e. LEGO Star Wars, LEGO Jurassic World, etc.)
·      Tom Clancy’s The Division
·      Fortnite
·      Any Mario game (especially Mario Kart)
·      The Legend of Zelda

O’Rourke’s Democrat rivals quickly jumped onboard and promised to take away violent video games.

“We need more American cities to condemn video game production companies as ‘domestic terrorist organizations’ like the NRA,” Bernie Sanders said. “That way we go after the real problems in this country: ordinary citizens. Don’t bother with the gangstas who have video games.” 

Elizabeth Warren and Kamala Harris called for a universal background check before a person can purchase a violent video game.

“If you don’t pass what we consider a background check, you can’t own a violent video game. Especially if you’re Catholic,” Harris said at a rally in San Francisco.

At publishing time, the Democrats added sports games like Madden NFL to their list of “violent video games.

“Sports games also lead to real-life violence,” O’Rourke said. “We should just ban all video games. No one has the right to own a video game. Ever.” 

A number of conservatives and freedom-loving Americans condemned O’Rourke and the other democrats by posting messages such as: “Hell no, you won’t take away our guns or video games.”


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