(Parody) Progressives listed as endangered species as more leftist kids swear not to have children

[Disclaimer: This article is a parody story. While some events in this article are actually taking place, it is written for comedy purposes and shouldn’t be taken too seriously.] 


There’s a new leader in endangered species.

It’s not the bald eagle.

It’s not the panda bear.

And it’s not the tiger.

It is progressives.

The World Wildlife Fund (WWF), in a new study, found that progressives have become the number one endangered species in 2019.

“We’re seeing a lot of new evidence that suggests Progressives will go extinct in twenty-to-thirty years,” WWF Spokesman Lez Hartman said. “For the first time in a hundred years, we’re actualy concerned there won’t be enough to Progressives to maintain the Progressive population levels in the United States and around the world.”

This news comes as more climate change protesters, including young leftist children being paraded around by Democrats and news media outlets, vowed to never have children and skip school every time their teachers allow them to go on a climate change protest.

Researchers listed a number of causes for this potentially sharp drop in the Progressive birth rate:

·      President Donald Trump

·      Greta Thunberg’s guilt-tripping speech at the U.N.

·      Donald Trump

·      Climate change

·      Trump

·      Global warming

·      Trump supporters

·      Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez

·      Greenhouse gases

·      MAGA

·      Failure to comprehend arguments and facts against climate change

·      People driving cars and getting gasoline

·      Trump

·      People breathing air

·      Trump

·      People using air conditioning

·      MAGA hats

·      The “Green New Deal”

·      Trump

·      Conservatives opposing the Green New Deal

·      Trump

·      Conservatives not believing climate change propaganda

·      And finally, Trump

News media outlets interviewed several sources they deem credible to discuss the topic of climate change and the declining Progressive birth rate – kids who aren’t old enough to vote, drive cars or drink alcohol.

“I don’t want my kids to live in a bleak future where we’re all gonna die in ten years because of climate change,” a 12-year-old girl said at a climate change rally in San Francisco, trying to make fake tears for the cameras. “So I will uphold my Socialist beliefs and vow never to have kids.

“You bet,” a 13-year-old boy standing next to her said. “We’re all gonna die in ten years anyway, so what’s the point in having children? Or getting a job? Or an education?”

However, when pressed further on the subject, the group of leftist children didn’t promise to abstain from sexual relations until marriage.

“Oh no, we’ll still have sex,” a 14-year-old child said. “We just won’t have kids.”

The group of teenagers then started screaming “Oppression!” as reporters tried explaining to them where babies come from.

At publishing time, conservatives and Republicans said they will keep getting married and having kids so that one day they will have a supermajority in the United States, ignoring leftists and radical environmentalists.

Surprisingly, researchers have been unable to list private jets and million-dollar mansions as contributing factors to global warming or declining Progressive births.