(Parody) “Oh yes, I want to play football in the NFL again,” says guy who missed his own NFL workout session


[Disclaimer: This article is a parody story. While some events in this article are actually taking place, it is written for comedy purposes and shouldn’t be taken too seriously.] 


Colin Kaepernick, former San Francisco 49ers quarterback, claims he wanted to be in the NFL again.

He even scheduled a workout session on Saturday so that NFL teams can watch him train.

Kaepernick then moved the location from the Atlanta Falcons training facility to a high school sixty miles away.

He made the announcement an hour before the training session began, when the NFL scouts were already set up at the Falcons facility.

“I want to play in the NFL, so I have every right to move the practice session at the last minute,” Kaepernick said while wearing Socialist clothing. “These teams should worship me, otherwise they’re racists.”

Kaepernick, who hasn’t played in the NFL since 2016, became a controversial figure after kneeling during the National Anthem before NFL games, protesting alleged police brutality.

Kaepernick’s actions and those of players who followed his example were seen as anti-American and anti-cop by everyday Americans and freedom-loving people.

The controversy on Saturday resulted when Kaepernick refused to sign a waiver from the NFL that stated he wouldn’t sue the league or individual teams if they refused to sign him or he got injured during the workout — just like every other free agent.

“We just don’t want our teams to be afraid of being sued regardless of whether they attended Kaepernick’s workout session or not,” an NFL spokesperson said. “The league has had legal issues with Kaepernick in the past. They knew there was a good chance he was gonna attack them if no one signed him.”

The NFL settled out of court with Kaepernick back in February to end a lawsuit where Kaepernick claimed NFL owners conspired to not let him play football again.

NFL team representatives believe Kaepernick’s actions on Saturday prove he’s not serious about playing football again and is trying to be a victim.

“(Expletive) that, I’m not wasting my time on this guy,” an NFL scout said, referring on his reaction after hearing the news on Kaepernick. “He can’t even bother to show up for his own training session at the original location. My organization can’t handle this diva.”

“Plenty of young guys would do whatever it takes to play in the NFL,” a second NFL scout said. “Kaepernick is a 32-year-old has-been. He wasn’t even that great during his last seasons.”

“I won’t be surprised if Kaepernick goes around claiming he’s the victim,” a third NFL scout said. “He’s a disgrace to this league. No NFL team in their right mind should hire him.”

The names of the teams and scouts who attended Keapernick’s session (and those that didn’t attend) are being withheld due to the risk of being sued by Kaepernick.

“Sure, I make millions of dollars with Nike, but I am being systematically oppressed by the NFL,” Kaepernick said. “America was never a great country and cops are pigs.”

At publishing time, every NFL team ignored Kaepernick and will focus on getting new players in the 2020 NFL Draft.

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