(Parody) Sora goes to Washington to fight Heartless, but all he finds are impeachment-obsessed Democrats


[Disclaimer: This article is a parody story. While some events in this article are actually taking place, it is written for comedy purposes and shouldn’t be taken too seriously.] 


Earth is one world a spiky-haired hero wishes he never visited.

Sora, the fun and likable main character of the “Kingdom Hearts” video game franchise, was greatly disappointed that he couldn’t destroy countless Heartless creatures in Washington, D.C.—identified as the “Deep State,” in “Kingdom Hearts” lore.

Sora, along with his companions Donald Duck and Goofy, were surprised to learn that the “Deep State” was inhabited, not with monsters of darkness, but by corrupt and elitist politicians trying to undo the 2016 Election and a legitimate President.

“I came to this world thinking I can kill a bunch of Heartless and be a hero who saves this world, but it turns out they were just Democrats pushing Socialism and impeachment against President Donald Trump and undermining the American people,” Sora told a reporter on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, stating that the American people voted for Trump in the 2016 Presidential Election.

“The problem with the Keyblade is that I can only use it to kill Heartless and Nobodies, not actual people.” Sora added, holding his weapon up for the cameras to see. 

When asked by the reporter why he doesn’t just use his hands and feet to fight enemies, Sora laughed it off.

“Haha! Good one, Jimmy!” Sora said to CNN’s Jim Acosta. “Who uses body strength and exercise training to do that? You can only fight monsters by swinging blunt objects back and forth and heal yourself with potions. Plus, my spiked hair keeps getting in the way so I can’t see half the time.” 

The reporters found it odd that Sora doesn’t work out, considering he can easily carry a Keyblade, and wondered why the “Kingdom Hearts” protagonist doesn’t just get a haircut so that his hair looks normal. 

Sora’s visit to the world of humans on Planet Earth was cut short after a group of climate change believers surrounded him and his two anthropomorphic friends, claiming that he is “oppressing” Mother Nature by flying his spaceship from world to world.

“Where do you think happens when you use that toxic space fuel?” one activist said in a confrontational tone. “You’re poisoning the air and killing us!”

CNN and MSNBC were quick to label Sora a “climate change denier” and accused him of “harassing” the activists as he just stood there in confusion. 

At publishing time, CNN returned to their coverage of the Democrats’ impeachment witch hunt against President Trump.

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