(Parody) CNN’s Don Lemon wins honor of Hell’s Press Secretary

[Disclaimer: This article is a parody story. While some events in this article are actually taking place, it is written for comedy purposes and shouldn’t be taken too seriously.] 

Hell named CNN’s Don Lemon as their first press secretary. 

The underworld announced that Lemon will lead their new news coverage site. 

“It was a tough decision,” a representative for the Devil told mainstream media hosts. “We had so many choices to choose from when it comes to devious journalism — MSNBC’s Joe Scarborough, Joy Baher of ‘The View,’ Brian Williams’ bad math, the entire staff at Bloomberg News, Jimmy Kimmel, Stephen Colbert, Vox’s Carlos Maza and his #VoxAdPocalypse against Steven Crowder, The Young Turks, Chris Cuomo and Katie Couric, but in the end we felt Lemon was our best candidate.” 

Hell revealed it was a close race between Lemon and everyone else in the media who hate President Trump, but that Lemon put himself over the edge by demonizing Trump supporters — ordinary American men and women who support the Republican President.

“It was Lemon’s laughter as his CNN panel bashed Trump supporters that put him over his opponents,” anonymous Hell resident said. “What really won our support was Lemon degrading stay-at-home protesters.”

The Hell citizen was referring to Lemon’s comments against stay-at-home protesters, where Lemon claimed that the protesters are just upset that “they don’t have haircuts.”

The stay-at-home protesters are American citizens (mostly Trump supporters) fed up with overreach by state governments, particularly Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer (D).

Lemon was widely criticized for his remarks.

“It’s easy for Lemon to say we just want haircuts when he hasn’t grown any hair in over fifteen years,” a Michigan protester told reporters. “He has the same stupid haircut, if you can call it that.”

“Typical leftist elitism,” another protester said, referring to Lemon and the elitism of the mainstream media.

Hell stood by their decision to keep Lemon on.

“We’re honored to have a guy [Don Lemon] who demeaned half Americans as idiots run our news coverage program,” a Hell spokesperson said.  “Don Lemon will feel right at home here with other demons.” 

At publishing time, the Doom Guy (of the "Doom" video game franchise) entered Hell’s domain and brutally killed Lemon with the BFG (Big Freakin’ Gun). He then proceeded to cut down legions of demons and MSNBC hellspawn. 

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