(Parody) Bane supports CHOP protesters in Seattle

[Disclaimer: This article is a parody story. While some events in this article are actually taking place, it is written for comedy purposes and shouldn’t be taken too seriously.] 

The left-wing anarchists in Seattle’s CHOP (Capitol Hill Organized Protest) Zone have a new ally.

The terrorist leader Bane, who once occupied the entire city of Gotham, has come forward to back up the CHOP protesters.

“People of Seattle, CHOP didn’t come here as conquerors, but as liberators to take Seattle back into the hands of the people,” Bane said in an online video post, speaking in his garbled voice through his mask (he does have to protect himself from Covid-19, after all).

Bane had managed to maintain his own occupation zone in Gotham by threatening to blow up the city with a nuclear device.

In many ways, the protesters in CHOP have followed Bane’s playbook:

·      They have armed “guards” to keep their power over the zone and prevent police and military troops from entering (which won’t be effective in CHOP once the police and U.S. Military force them out because they don’t have a nuclear weapon on hand to keep law enforcement at bay).

·      They impose their own rules on the citizens within CHOP (helps having an armed militia to back you up, but only a nuclear device to keep uncooperative citizens in line).

·      They keep police out of their zone to prevent them from investigating crimes and murders (although Bane found it more effective to trap nearly every cop in the city in the sewers).

·      They say they care about “the people,” but they only care about power and keeping it.

·      They rely on the United States to bring them supplies and everything else they need, or else they would starve out, die of thirst, and have no electricity or running water (so much for Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone, aka CHAZ).

·      They plan to destroy the entire area they control (in Bane’s case, with a nuclear weapon that was going to go off unless it was reattached to a machine or taken across the ocean and away from land).

Bane concluded his speech by encouraging left-wing rioters, including AntiFa and Black Lives Matter, to establish their own autonomous occupation zones throughout the United States.

The Bat Signal appeared in the Seattle sky hours after Bane’s speech, signaling that Batman, the Dark Knight, is coming to beat up the CHOP occupiers.

At publishing time, Democrats and the mainstream media praised Bane for standing with the violent anti-police protesters and rioters and condemned any action Batman takes against CHOP.