(Parody) Why all 31 NHL team names and logos should be removed

 [Disclaimer: This article is a parody story. While some events in this article are actually taking place, it is written for comedy purposes and shouldn’t be taken too seriously.] 



Since the Washington Redskins caved in to pressure to change their name and logo, I thought I’d go over reasons why emboldened leftists would target other sports teams.

 

The Washington Post is already going after the MLB’s Texas Rangers, so it’s only a matter of time before more liberals go after other teams, including the NHL.


This is a friendly roast of the NHL teams and why leftists would push for removing their names and logos.

I don’t believe these teams should change their names or logos, nor do I believe there’s anything wrong with them.

I’m just listing reasons why leftists would find their teams names and logos “offensive,” even though they aren’t.

It’s all for fun.

Hope you enjoy the jokes.



Anaheim Ducks – Living reminder of “The Mighty Ducks” movies and TV show made by Disney and glorifies capitalism.

Arizona Coyotes – Racist term referring to men illegally transporting refugees and illegal immigrants from Mexico and Central America to the United States.

Boston Bruins – What's a Bruin? Either way, it must be "cancelled." 

Buffalo Sabres – Swords are responsible for the vast majority of violence in this country, and a reminder that the bison is an endangered species because of white men and Westward Expansion.

Calgary Flames – Insinuating it’s bad to be snowflakes, so that hate SJWs.

Carolina Hurricanes – Weather conditions have no way to represent themselves in the sports world or give permission to use their name.

Chicago Blackhawks – Racist representation of Native Americans.

Colorado Avalanche – Not sensitive to snowboarders and skiers trying to enjoy the mountains and snow. 

Columbus Blue Jackets – Bears the name of Christopher Columbus, the most racist person in the world’s history who was responsible for killing Indigenous People through deadly bioweapon warheads. Or that guy whose statues AntiFa likes to destroy.

Dallas Stars – The stars are in the heavens, which means Earth is just a small ball in a big universe. Also implies that God made the heavens and the stars. That’s offensive to Flat-Earthers and atheists alike.

Detroit Red Wings – Glorifies the Ford Motor Company and American capitalism.

Edmonton Oilers – Oilers are responsible for drilling oil, which causes carbon emissions and global warming.

Florida Panthers – Trying to capitalize on using animals and their likenesses for profit.

Los Angeles Kings – Glorifies patriarchal societies dominated by men, obviously sexist.

Minnesota Wild – Culturally-appropriating nature.

Montreal Canadians – Offensive to non-Canadians, eh.

Nashville Predators – Creatures that eat meat automatically trigger SJWs, PETA, and others who don’t want people to enjoy burgers, hot dogs, chicken and other meat.

 

New Jersey Devils – A team that glorifies Satan and occultists. Surprising, leftists find nothing wrong with this team whatsoever.

New York Islanders – Excludes the New York Mainlanders.

New York Rangers – Name honors the Texas Rangers, or that Aragorn guy from “Lord of the Rings.” Either way, glorifies straight white male protagonists and law enforcement.

Ottawa Senators – Glorifies politicians and the Roman Empire, so obviously they support fascism and imperialism.

 

Philadelphia Flyers – Not inclusive to non-flyers.

Pittsburgh Penguins – There aren’t any penguins in Pittsburgh, so this is culturally-appropriating Antarcticans (Antarctica’s population).

St. Louis Blues – Culturally-appropriating African-American music.

San Jose Sharks – Reminder that “Jaws” exists and that we can’t go into the water.

Tampa Bay Lightning – Excludes thunder, so that’s racist.

 

Toronto Maple Leafs – favoring one kind of leaves above the rest. That’s “systemic racism.”

Vancouver Canucks – Peacefully protesting against injustice since the 2011 Stanley Cup Final. Nothing to see here. 

Vegas Golden Knights – Reinforces gender stereotypes of men in shining armor rescuing female damsels in distress.

Winnipeg Jets – Fighter jets burn up jet fuel, which causes global warming.

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