(Parody) In memory of failed Democrat candidates

[Disclaimer: This article is a parody story. While some events in this article are actually taking place, it is written for comedy purposes and shouldn’t be taken too seriously.] 

With the Iowa Caucus, New Hampshire Primary and Nevada Caucus completed (except the Democrats still don’t know who won Iowa), it is time to look back at the Democrats who failed to win their party’s nomination.

Here are some notable failed 2020 Democrat candidates who have dropped out of the race:


Kathleen Kennedy
Pro: Woman in authority.
Con: Ruined Star Wars for all real Star Wars fans.


Nicolas Cage
Pro: He was crazy enough to run.
Con: He never stood a chance.


Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson
Pro: Likeable guy, charming personality and most popular Democrat candidate.
Con: Too busy making movies.


The Duffer Brothers
Pro: Created Stranger Things.
Con: Stole the idea for Strangers Things. 


James Comey 
Pro: He’s really tall. 
Con: He thinks he’s morally superior to everyone and that the rules don’t apply to him. 


Negan (from The Walking Dead)
Pro: Supports radical gun control.
Con: Decided to instead ruin the State of Virginia with massive anti-Second Amendment laws.


CNN Reporter Jim Acosta
Pro: Avid Trump-hater.
Con: He is a liar, unlikable and claimed he is Ben Shapiro from the future. 


Loki
Pro: Charming smile and personality.
Con: Led an alien invasion of New York City and got replaced with an alternate version of himself. 


Rep. Adam Schiff (D-California)
Pro: His hatred of President Trump fits right in with today’s Democrat-Socialist Party.
Con: He is a compulsive liar, conspired with the Ukraine phone call “whistleblower,” and his eyes are creepy.


Sen. Kamala Harris (D-California) 
Pro: She’s a woman.
Con: She’s an anti-Catholic woman.


Walter the Puppet
Pro: He fits right in with the 2020 Democrats.
Con: Too old and grouchy for Democrats – Not like that Bernie Sanders guy. Or Mike Bloomberg.


Colin Kaepernick
Pro: Doesn’t care about his hair.
Con: Demanded changing debate locations at the last minute and didn’t bother to show up at the original locations. Oh, and he hates America and the American Flag, like every other Democrat candidate.


LeBron James
Pro: He hates President Trump.
Con: He couldn’t beat the Golden State Warriors three out of four times.


Beto O’Rourke
Pro: Radical Socialist. 
Con: He hates his given Irish name, Robert Francis, and he couldn’t draw a bigger crowd in his hometown of El Paso than President Trump could at his MAGA rally in El Paso. 


Ron Swanson (from Parks and Recreation)
Pro: Libertarian, only Democrat candidate closest to the center politically.
Con: “Too conservative” for today’s Socialist-Democrat Party.


Jimmy Fallon
Pro: Makes fun of Trump on his “comedy” show.
Con: Refused to condemn Trump as “evil.” 


Mel Gibson
Pro: Directed “The Passion of the Christ.”
Con: his alleged anti-Semitism fits right in with the Democrats, but he hasn’t been friended by AOC and her “Squad.”
CNN Host Don Lemon
Pro: He looks just like Comedy Central’s Trevor Noah.
Con: He thinks all Trump supporters are stupid and laughs at them on his broadcasting program, showing he has no journalistic integrity (along with everyone else at CNN).


Lori Loughlin
Pro: Played the likable and relatable Aunt Becky on Full House. 
Con: Indicted and potentially facing jail time for her part in the college admissions corruption scandal. 


Sen. Cory Booker
Pro: Considers himself a moral fighter for all women. 
Con: Just not the women he bragged about physically abusing in high school. 


Jimmy Kimmel
Pro: He hates Trump. 
Con: He isn’t funny and he’s preachy.
The Governor (from The Walking Dead)
Pro: Charming personality.
Con: Prone to anger and will destroy anyone who stands in the way of his Socialist utopia.


Kevin McCallister (from “Home Alone”)
Pro: Resourceful and ingenious.
Con: Harvard rejected him for his past resourcefulness.


George Clooney
Pro: Looks good with gray hair.
Con: He ruined Batman for all of us and lied about moving to Canada after Trump was elected in 2016.


Disney CEO Bob Iger
Pro: Extreme liberal outsider.
Con: He’d have to give up control of the Disney Empire if he won.


Hela (from Thor: Ragnarok)
Pro: She’s a woman in power. 
Con: She used that power to establish a dictatorship on her home world. 


Hillary Clinton
Pro: You knew this was coming.
Con: She’s still convinced she lost in 2016 because she believes conservatives in America are a basket of “deplorables,” racists and sexists. You know, instead of admitting she’s just a terrible person and that she hates everyday Americans. 

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